A Sexologist Answers: When Does Not Wanting To Have Sex Become A Problem?

Do you find yourself completely uninterested in sex lately? Here are all the deets you need to know about the problem and tips on getting your mojo back!

Ask any couple in a long-term relationship and they’ll tell you that it’s hard work — day in and day out. While there is a long list of things that can get in the way of a happy relationship such as money issues, family, the decision to have kids or when to have them — the one thing that most Asians are uncomfortable seeking help for is anything that concerns their sex life. What happens when one person in the relationship wants more sex than the other? Or when nothing he does seems to feel right?

 Dr Martha Lee, a clinical sexologist based in Singapore says that the lack of or low sexual drive tends to be a major sexual concern for women. “Fatigue and emotional overload are very real stresses that affect a woman’s libido. Things like financial troubles, marital issues and other difficulties can dramatically decrease her sex drive. When women are stressed, they usually experience decreased sex drives whereas men, on the other hand, might use sex to reduce stress.”

However, be aware that prolonged lack of interest in sex could be a precursor to further underlying issues!

Could You Be Suffering From Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder?

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is a condition where a woman’s continued lack of interest in sex is so severe that it causes her distress and causes problems in her relationship.

Is It The Same As Being Asexual?

“There seems to be a confusion between this and asexuality. Asexuality is basically someone who has never had any sexual attribution or desire to have sex. Whereas someone who has HSDD does not feel like having sex for a period of time.”

When Saying No

“Get your partner to realise that while you’re saying no to sex, you are not rejecting your partner. However, remember that when done too often, it can begin to feel a lot like rejection. Communicate clearly how you feel and assure him of your love for him. Be honest with what you’re willing to give or open to receiving – even if it’s just a massage or snuggle. It is important to communicate your sexual needs and wants clearly. Avoiding or saying no to sex without any explanation can impact your relationship in the long term.”

What Matters To You?

“There is a common assumption that sex is important to all couples and that a sexless relationship cannot last. Unless the couple views the lack of sex as an issue, it is not an issue. If the both of you are truly happy, why does it matter what other people think you ought to be doing in your relationship?

However, if you and your partner do find it to be an issue, seek professional help. I’ve had clients who felt it was beneficial to talk to someone who is trained to talk about sex and sexuality in a non-judgemental environment.”

From the print edition. Original text by Jasnitha Nair.